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 Joshua's IKEA Research Paper

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PostSubject: Joshua's IKEA Research Paper   Fri May 12, 2017 4:11 pm

Ingvar Kamprad: Our Lord and Saviour
By Joshua NATHANIEL Abbott

Since the dawn of time, human beings and wizards alike have all come to a point in their lives at which they need somewhere to sit. Now, there are some douchebags who think that sitting on the ground is the best way to satisfy the craving for a nice flat surface to rest the lump of fat that resides on their back end, but shaggy carpets and wooden planks are not a desirable choice for the people of this planet who cherish their sanity.  Personally, I do not come home after a long day of ass-kicking and spell casting just to sit down on the floor and contemplate whether a platypus is a duck or a beaver. No, I end my days either sitting in a chair or in the comfort of my memory foam mattress (I am still waiting for Hogwarts to allow me to bring my memory foam mattress to the school, but apparently beds are provided for a reason). My ass and I enjoy the comfort that is obtained by resting on a piece of furniture. Some may say that this comfort can be accomplished with any piece of furniture, as it is all the same. But these people would be wrong. Furniture is not furniture unless that furniture is IKEA furniture.

From the year of 1943, IKEA has been a safe haven for every cheap old man and underpaid college student thanks to a man named Ingvar Kamprad. Ingvar started this revolution at the age of 17. This is both impressive and extremely sad, seeing as I am 18 and I have yet to even move on to University (not that I’m going to University. This sentence was just to prove my point). But yes, it is rather impressive that this kid was selling picture frames out of his garage before it was categorised as creepy to do so. Way to be ahead of the times, Ingvar. Speaking of Ingvar, IKEA is actually an acronym meaning: Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd. This is a fun fact because these letters stand for both his name and the places in which he has lived. A not so fun fact about our man Ingvar is that he was once a Nazi sympathiser. While he did apologise about said Nazi sympathising, this is still proof that even the king of the furniture world is not a god.

Many of the items in IKEA are given proper names so that it is easier to identify what function they are meant to fulfill once in a home. This was mainly set in place so that Ingvar could figure out what went where (he was dyslexic, so by some grace of God this helped him figure shit out). Bathroom items are named after lakes and rivers in Sweden, while living room items are named after cities and towns. This system makes no sense whatsoever to me, but it makes sense to Ingvar so I guess that is all that really matters.

Another thing that most people do not know about IKEA is that the company is practically either a religion or a cult  (take your pick, they mean the same thing to me). Not only do people order more copies of the IKEA catalog than they do copies of the Bible, but it is estimated that one in ten Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed. I would not be surprised if Ingvar infiltrated the dreams of young coupled and told them that only the best kind of bed could be a baby making bed. I have also heard that some who enter an IKEA may never return, though this could be because the store is freaking gigantic but who knows?

In conclusion: IKEA sells quality shit, Ingvar Kamprad is the closest thing we have in this world to a god, and IKEA may possibly be a cult. Have a nice day.
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PostSubject: Re: Joshua's IKEA Research Paper   Thu Aug 31, 2017 6:57 pm

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