There Is My Heart (Kamren & Clarinda)

Guest

[[TW: swearing (censored), blackmail, emotional rollercoaster.]]

Ghosts. They were such worrisome creatures. You can't see them, you can touch them, you can’t smell them. But you can feel them. They permeate a person’s soul, infiltrate into their mind, and stubbornly refuse to leave, clinging on like a barnacle against the rocks.

Lux was familiar with ghosts. She lived with them all seventeen years of her life. They haunted her thoughts and shackled her from moving into the future. But these weren’t ordinary ghosts. No. These ghosts took - not the form society’s idea of a ghosts - but the form of uncertainty, insecurity, and most importantly, the past.

Lux paced a hole into the floor of the small cafe she’d agreed to meet her birth parents at, contemplating the idea of ghosts. She’d be facing her own ghosts in a few minutes. No matter how many times she imagined what it would be like when she finally got to meet the people who brought her into this world, she had no idea what to say or do.

Once again, Lux second guessed her decision to meet with her parents without either Kamren or Clarinda present. They’d travelled to Alaska together, but that was as far as Lux allowed them to come. Of course, they’d offered to be there as well, but Lux turned that down. If things didn’t turn out well, she didn’t want them there. At first, she’d been grateful that they’d acquiesced, but now the lack of moral support was getting to her and she hated it. She hated feeling vulnerable.

Deciding that pacing around would do her no good, Lux plonked down into the seat at the table she’d chosen. It was secluded from the rest of the cafe, providing them with some privacy. Every tinkle of the bell at the door had her glancing up, and every time, it wasn’t her parents.

They were late.

Where were they?

Were they too much of a coward to meet their illegitimate daughter?

Lux knew - from Kamren’s findings - that her parents were Muggles. Her mum was a socialite from a wealthy family and disgraced for having an affair with someone else - the person who contributed to the other half of her. What made the whole thing worse was that she was engaged to another high class person at the same time. She ended up marrying her fiance but from Kamren’s sources, she was still having the affair, just under wraps. But that wasn't all. Her family, the Crawleys, had lost more than half of their fortune after a bad investment and were now trying to recover their loses and keep their standing in society.

It was interesting to the say the least.

Lux hadn't quite known what she expected to hear when Kamren and Clarinda called her into his office one day and told her they'd found the people responsible for her birth. She hadn't expected to be from a Pureblood line though. Though she had fantasies as a child - from being the kid of parents too poor to raise her, to the kid of superhero parents who were too busy saving the world to take care of her - she hadn't really thought it possible that she'd come from the type of people she didn't really like. Sure, the thought did cross her mind - as did a thousand other explanations as to why her parents would abandon her - but she hadn't counted on it actually happening.

She'd asked to meet them and at first, they declined. More than once. That should have told Lux what kind of people they were, but she was stubborn, persisting until they finally gave in and agreed to meet her in Alaska, but not without having her DNA tested. Lux wasn't happy with that - to put it mildly - but she gave in.

Glancing at her watch, Lux noted that it was twenty past their agreed time. Another tinkle of the bell had her looking up to see a couple enter. They looked different from the pictures Kamren had shown her and Lux took a moment to study them. The lady was wearing a light pink dress, her face sporting red lips and matching pink eyeshadow, her hair done up in some kind of elaborate up-do. She had an unsure look in her eyes, almost as if she was lost. The man beside her was dressed in a dark blue button down shirt paired with black jeans. He had a grimmer expression, his jaw clenched, his left hand curling into a fist while he kept his right hand on the small of the woman's back.

It wasn't just their clothes that looked different. They seemed...weathered. Like they’d been fighting a war and losing terribly. Lux had perfected the art of observation - she had to, to survive on her own - and she could see the exhaustion in their eyes. They seemed years older than they were in the photos Kamren showed her, although the pictures hadn't been taken too long ago. They were weary and heavy laden and they weren’t doing a good job of hiding it.

She stood up, drawing their attention, her gaze sharp as she took in the widening of the man’s eyes and the subsequent sneer that crossed his lips as he perused her body. Lux didn't let it faze her. Though she'd chosen one of her more sedate outfits, she knew she looked good in her black distressed, slashed and ripped pants paired with a black cross detailed crop top. She’d accessorised with a silver chain belt hanging low on her hips, a layered necklace with tiny blue skulls, and her trusty bat earrings.

“Done ogling me?” Lux questioned as the couple neared, her voice sweet and sultry but with a hint of dark edge, promising vengeance if he did more than look. “You know, it's not considered morally right to be checking out your offspring.”

Curtis McFadden slanted her a lascivious look. “I’m glad we didn't keep you. I’m allergic to whores.”

Lux glanced down at her body which was actually considered modestly covered compared to some of her other outfits. Only some of her midriff was showing but that was about it. She knew she had a great body and used it to her advantage, but she never gave what she didn't allow men to take from her.

Raising one eyebrow and bestowing a look only Lux could give - one of complete innocence and yet full of daggers, she glanced quickly at the lady before returning her attention to Curtis. “Oh, you mean like the one standing right next to you?” she asked, a sweet smile on her face and hell’s fury in her eyes. “I’m living proof of your so-called allergies, Curtis. Carrying on with you while engaged to another man. Rather whore-like, don’t you think?”

Lux didn't miss the redness creeping up on Megan Crawley’s neck. To her credit, she maintained her composure. Lux couldn't say the same about Curtis. He barely stopped himself from combusting, but based on the veins popping in his neck and forehead, he was quite close.

“Don’t you dare say such things about Megan,” he gritted out.

“Don’t you dare pick fights with me that you can't win,” Lux answered smoothly. “Extend me the same courtesy and perhaps the both of you might leave this cafe alive instead of burnt to ashes.”

When he said nothing more, Lux smiled. “Glad we settled that. Sit.” She slid into her seat and the couple took they positron opposite her. Things weren’t looking good but Lux was going to give it a chance.

“Why did you call us here?” Megan finally asked.

“She speaks!” Lux exclaimed, adopting an incredulous look. “I didn't call you here. You called me here but that’s all semantics. I’m assuming you're wondering why I wanted to see you.”

They nodded and Lux continued. “That's a dumb question. You're not very smart are you?” Before Curtis could come to her rescue, Lux barreled on. “If you were abandoned and left on the steps of an orphanage in the dead of winter, lips turning blue because all you were wearing was a diaper, wouldn't you like some answers?”

Silence greeted her and Lux smiled smugly. “Thought so. Care to enlighten me what would induce a mother to give up her child?”

“I didn't give you up. You were taken against my will. I wanted to keep you. I did. But mum insisted I abort you,” Megan began, her bottom lip trembling and her voice shaky.

“I took her away, long enough for her to give birth to you. We kept you for a month but the Crawleys found us. We had no choice but to give you up for adoption,” Curtis continued.

Lux was silent for moment. She was deciding if she could trust what they were saying. Well versed in the art of lying as well as detecting a liar, Lux took some time to stare them down. She wanted to give them the benefit of doubt and believe their story, but she could not ignore her instincts. They were lying. She knew it.

“Is your ass jealous of the amount of s*** that just came out of your mouth?” Lux finally said, directing her words at the both of them.

Megan gasped, her hand flying to her mouth in a dainty gesture. Curtis opened his mouth to soak but Lux best beat him to it. “Oh, shut your fly trap,” Lux muttered, rolling her eyes.

“I beg your pardon?” Megan said.

“Beg for it all you like,” Lux responded with a grin. “You’re not gonna get it. I can smell a liar a mile away and the both of your reek of it. If you wanna lie, at least do it believably.”

“What do you want?” Curtis asked, exasperated.

“The truth,” Lux answered simply.

They were quiet, Curtis’ jaw clenching and unclenching and Megan’s eyes downcast, her fingers fiddling with the diamond ring around her left finger. She was married. But not to Curtis. Lux gave them time, then got impatient.

“Okay then,” she said with a bright smile, taking up her black fringe bag as if preparing to leave. “I’ll just tell the whole world about the dirty little secret you kept for seventeen years.”

“No, wait!”

“Hang on!”

Lux smirked. She’d made the right call, her instinct at reading people not diminished. She sat down and leaned back. “I’m listening.”

“Look, we had no choice okay,” Megan explained.

“There’s always a choice. It only feels like you don’t have one because you just can’t stand the other option,” Lux said. She gave them a keen look. “And for the both of you, that other option was your reputation, wasn’t it?”

Megan sighed and Lux saw all the years in her eyes. “My family was bankrupt and I was engaged to a wealthy man. Mum and dad hoped it would bring in some money,” she began.

“But she loves me. Not that rich dude,” Curtis inserted vehemently.

“Way to be a caveman, Curt,” Lux grinned, not bothering with the dark look Curtis shot her.

“I didn’t want dad and mum to find out that I was pregnant. It would further tarnish our name. We were already struggling to keep our standing in society,” Megan continued, tears starting to well in her eyes. “If the public and Adam knew I was pregnant with someone else’s child, we’d never regain what we’d lost.”

“You wouldn’t have been in that position if you’d just stayed away from whoring,” Lux said.

“She did not whore. I knew her before she got engaged. She loves me!” Curtis growled.

Lux merely smiled. “You seem to need more conviction that your mistress - ” Lux nodded to the ring on Megan’s finger “ - loves you. Repeating something over and over again doesn’t make it true. Does it grate on you that she married Adam and chose to keep you her secret?” Lux inclined her head a little, taking on an innocent and thoughtful expression though everybody around the table knew she meant quite the opposite.

“I had no choice!” Megan cried, tears now rolling down her cheeks.

“Keep telling yourself that. Perhaps one day, when you’re wrinkly and grey, you’ll believe it.”

“We needed the money. And I couldn’t ruin my family’s reputation with a baby. Adam would never go through with the engagement if he knew,” Megan sobbed, trying to wipe her cheeks dry and failing miserably. “I wanted to abort you but I couldn’t do it. Told my parents I’d be away visiting a friend so I could hide my pregnancy. I ran to Alaska, gave birth to you…”

“And dumped me readily,” Lux interrupted. “Tell me. If your family wasn’t broke and at the bottom of the social ladder, would you have kept me?” The question made Lux vulnerable but she had to know the answer.

Megan stayed silent.

"Did you even name me?"

"You were - are - a reminder of all that went wrong in my life," Megan burst out. "Why the hell would I name or keep you?"

"You carried me for nine months instead of aborting me," Lux pointed out.

"I was young at that time. I was stupid. I should've just aborted you."

Ouch.

Lux winced internally at the blow but kept her face hard and emotionless. "Right, because it's easier to be dead than to be alive, dumped from one foster home to another, knowing that nobody wants you and your biological parents hate you. Cause the both of you hate me. Don't you?"

Silence.

It was all the answer Lux needed. They hadn’t wanted her. She meant nothing at all, just an inconvenient bundle of flesh, blood, and bones. They hadn't even given her a name. Lux hadn’t expected it to hurt but it did. All her life she’d dictated her own worth, her own identity, told herself who she was and forged her own path. Hearing straight from the person who’d carried her for nine months that she wasn’t worth anything, stung more than Lux would’ve liked.

But she was a master at keeping her emotions under the lid when necessary and she kept a straight face although her insides were shattered, the fragments of her soul piercing her heart and bleeding it dry.

"Well, the feeling is mutual. Just be glad I'm not one who gets my validation from others," Lux said, "so f*** you."

“I’m sorry,” Megan apologised.

“Save your apologies for those who need it,” Lux retaliated. “I don’t. We both know that’s crap and you have more s*** in you than a clogged up intestine, so you can shut the f*** up.”

“You’re a crass, vulgar juvenile!” Curtis yelled, drawing attention from the neighbouring tables.
Lux didn’t care one whit about the eyes trained on them.

“And you’re a f******* who thinks with his dick. If you even have one,” Lux returned coolly, her voice cold enough to freeze fire. It was time to move this conversation into her territory. She was hurt yes, but she was also practiced at hiding her emotions. One breath was all it took for her to transform into someone cold-hearted. “Here’s the deal.”

When Lux got burned, she burned right back until everything went up in spectacular flames.

“Unless you want it published all over the news that I’m your dirty little secret, you will do as I say,” she began.

“Are you trying to blackmail us?” Curtis said incredulously.

“I’m not trying to. I am blackmailing you,” Lux responded with a sweet smile.

“We’re your parents! You can't do that.”

“Watch me. And you lost the right to call yourself parents the moment you decided your social status was worth more than a baby’s life.”

“What, do you want our money?” Megan asked, her voice quivering.

“Oh, please. Your money’s worth nothing,” Lux said flippantly. “What I want is something worth a lot more than money.” She paused, making sure the both of them were listening. Blackmailing someone was a walk in the park for her and this wasn’t her first time doing something like this. It was necessary for survival and she had so much practice she could probably blackmail the Prime Minister and get away with it.

“You’re from a wealthy family with friends in high places. Connections,” Lux continued. “Your family is regaining fortune from your marriage with Adam and gaining reputation steadily. If you want to keep it that way, you will give me whatever I ask for whenever I want it. It could be anything. You will be at my beck and call. But if it’s not satisfactory, I just might let the cat out of the bag. I might even throw in the bonus nugget that you’re still seeing Curtis behind your husband’s back. You’ll lose Adam and your family will be shunned.”

In all honesty, they could give her nothing that she didn’t already have. As the legal daughter of the Minster for Magic, she had the world at her fingertips. Through Kamren, she had connections, anything she wanted. She knew that if Kamren ever got wind of her blackmail, she would be in big trouble, which was why she wasn’t actually going to act on it. But they didn’t need to know that. Lux wanted them to suffer and holding herself over their head was the best way. They would forever live in fear, and fear was one of the most crippling emotions. The fact that she felt no remorse for them made this all the more easier for her to do.

“You’re going to punish me for one mistake?” Megan whispered, the waterworks starting again.

“Oh, sweetheart. Punishment is for those who don’t know how to play the game,” Lux said. “To the rest of us, it’s merely strategy. How well can you play the game? I’ve made my move. Your turn.”

“We don’t value our social standing that much to agree to this,” Curtis said.

“Look! The dickwad actually has some brains,” Lux grinned. “Unfortunately, I know that’s not true. It might mean nothing to you, but it means everything to her. She chose to marry Adam and give up a helpless infant. Would you like to play another card?”

“You’ll be dragging Adam’s family into this as well. Bring us down and you’ll ruin his name,” Megan tried. “Would you really do that to an innocent man?”

“How sweet of you to think of your husband, but do you really think I won’t?” Lux had done worse than that in the past, but with Kamren as her father now, her hands were tied from doing anything harmful. Not that they needed to know that.

“Please, please don’t do this,” Curtis begged.

“Not only is he a dickwad, he’s a complete loser,” Lux smiled sympathetically. “Your ego must shot to hell right now. Doesn’t that feel good?”

“Why’re you doing this?” Megan’s voice cracked.

“If you’re really asking that, you’re stupider than I thought.”

“If you told the whole world of your existence, you’re going to look bad. You’ll be labelled a bastard child and nobody will like you,” Curtis said, making another attempt at stopping Lux from going through with the blackmail.

“You underestimate me, fluffball,” Lux smirked. “I don’t care what people think of me. I’m not a social climbing rat like the both of you are. Even if I did care about other people’s opinions, it’s all too easy to play the victim. The public will sympathise with the poor, abandoned baby and condemn the irresponsible, uncaring parents. I’m a Master Manipulator.”

“We’ll beat you to the chase. We'll let everyone know you're blackmailing us. You'll be the bad person then,” Curtis said fervently.

Lux shrugged. “Good move. But I'm gonna call your bluff there. You can't expose me without exposing yourself. You'll be surprised at how well I can act the innocent child, forced to resort to blackmail to survive. You can't prove we had this conversation either.”

Lux waited, wanting to see what else they could come up with. Five minutes passed, then ten, and fifteen, the silence filled with Megan’s sobs and sniffles. “It’s hard to believe I share DNA with both of you p******. Well then. Checkmate.”

She gathered up her bag and stood. “Pleasure doing business with you. Have a terrible life.” With a nod, Lux stalked out of the cafe with not a backward glance.

She didn’t have the happy ending she’d been secretly hoping for. Her birth parents weren’t the superheroes she’d made them out to be. But life wasn’t a fairytale and Lux knew that all too well. She’d been an idiot to hope for something good. Life had dealt her nothing but bad cards, leaving her to play them to the best of her ability to come out on top. And she always did.

So why does it hurt so f****** much? she thought, her tight rein over her emotions unraveling with no one around to witness her defenses crumble. She was tough. She’d been tough her whole life, wearing her thick skin and battle scars proudly. But even thick skin could cut and bleed, adding more wounds to her artwork of scars. But just because the scars have healed, didn’t mean that the pain had. And just because I’m strong enough to handle pain, doesn’t mean I won’t eventually collapse. Hit something hard and often enough and it will break, sooner or later.

She’d retaliated in the only way she knew how. Fighting fire with fire, inflicting wounds on other people that matched every cut making its home in her soul. Every stab she was dealt was paired with a stab of her own, equally - if not more powerful - than the hurt she received. To her dying breath she would wield that knife, keep that torch burning, until her ghosts were vanquished If they hadn’t killed her first.

Lux didn’t know where she went that night, or what she did. All she knew was that her hands were bleeding from picking up the pieces of her broken heart.

-------

I gathered up all the sticks and stones
Built a wall to keep out the ghosts
But they walk through walls
And I'm trapped inside

Filled my lungs up with air
And hoped they'd carry me off
Like hot balloon somewhere
But now I can't breathe
Still on the ground

When your world falls apart
Every question opens up a new room in your heart
And now you get lost
Wandering the halls

Guest

Lux hadn’t gone straight back to the hotel after the meet up with Curtis and Megan. If she was honest with herself, she couldn’t remember what she’d done, where she’d gone. It was all a blank slate, a memory just out of her grasp. But she remembered the feelings. Anger like she’d never felt before, rage, hopelessness, bleakness. It wasn’t like her at all. She always held on to her emotions tightly, never letting herself feel more than what she dictated.

But the dam broke and drowned her.

She remembered stepping into the hotel room she shared with Kamren and Clarinda way past midnight, remembered how they’d asked her about the meeting. She remembered saying something vague. Oh, it was okay. Nothing more. When they got home, she didn’t speak at all, barely appeared for meals, skipped school altogether.

Everyday she left the house at noon and didn’t come back till well pass three in the morning. She hung out with her gang, wearing that mask she was so used to putting on. Laughing. Smoking. Drinking. Drugs. New tats appeared on her body. Her gang knew something was up. They always did. But they gave her the space she needed.

She didn’t know what caused the riot of emotions that wouldn’t shut up. What else did she expect? To find her birth parents and be one of those happy families she’d watch from outside windows? To learn that they hadn’t abandoned her for their own selfish purposes? To have life for once be nice to her?

Actually, she did know what caused her numb phase. She just wasn’t ready to face it.

She didn't know how long she kept the facade up. One day flowed to the next and she lost all track of time.

Until it all came crashing down on her.

The closest thing had been her bed. With her scissors in hand, she slashed and slashed, releasing her pent up emotions, letting the fire burn her soul, letting the pain out one tear at a time until her bed was in tatters, feathers and cotton floating in the air and covering the floor like snow. Next to go were the walls. The wallpaper she’d spent hours painting torn to bits in a few moments of rage and heartache. Then the mirror. That was almost too easy. One hit and it shattered.

Hands bloodied from the deep cuts of the scissors, she went on to her desk, stabbing her soul away, trying to break it until it was it matched her brokenness. But the wood was solid and the most damage she did were a few holes and splinters.

Exhausted from her rampage, she sank to her knees, hands gripping her hair at the roots as she screamed from the depths of her belly, her voice sounding like it came from the pits of hell. Tormented. Anguished. Agonising.

Guest

Finding the information on Lux's parents had been a slow process. Months of investigative work, and the information had finally been delivered to Kamren. He'd read through it at length, and he could see many and more problems with what had been found. The relationship, a secret, would have to be brought up, he doubted this was going to go well at all...

Kamren had brought the information home to Clarinda, she was always the one who could help him when a puzzle simply could not be solved, and after speaking of his concerns with her, and ironing them out, they'd pulled Lux from school to present the information to her in person.

It had taken more than one attempt to get the meeting to take place, Kamren's usual ability to stay in control of his emotions was being put to the test. How could they be so damn rude to his daughter? Clarinda's hand on his shoulder when he'd asked that question had made him relax, though, knowing that it was not going to help Lux if he was not calm.

The trip to Alaska, though, had not been easy. Theyhad allowed Lux the space to go to meet her parents on her own. And both of them waited in the hotel for her to get back. But when Lux had come back, she'd simply shrugged them off, not wanting to speak, and Kamren had suggested they give Lux space until she was ready to talk to them about it.

After taking Lux home, they'd barely seen her. Kamren had asked Clarinda more than once if they'd done the right thing, and her answer that they couldn't have done this any other way was the one he knew, but didn't like. Their daughter was hurting, he could have saved her from it, but life had made it an impossibility.

The break down - or perhaps break through, had been when Lux's emotions had won out. Kamren had been working in the study, situated below Lux's room when he heard the sound of glass smashing. Followed by thuds. And then a scream.

"Clarinda." Kamren had called through to the kitchen, though he doubted he needed to alert her as he took the stairs two at a time and hurried across the landing to Lux's room. Opening the door with care, Kamren came face to face with the destruction she'd managed and swallowed. Guilt had riddled him for days, but it was incomparable to the ache in his heart as he took his daughter in. A mess, he could see she was in such a state, and he did not know what to do to make it better.

"Lux," Kamren spoke very softly as he crossed the room, one very careful step at a time. The Minister stopped about half way across the room, sinking to his own knees. Lux would still have her own sphere of personal space, but he was here to help her. His eyes found the blood on her hands, and he knew that she'd managed to cut herself on something. "Can I see your hands, Lux?" Kamren asked, holding his hand out to the witch in the hope of cooperation. He couldn't fix it, that would be Clarinda's expertise, but he could get her to open up...

Guest

It was a gamble, allowing Lux to go off in search of her parents, but it was a gamble that Clarinda knew they had to take. Everyone started from somewhere, and knowing where was important to many, even if painful to bear. She knew it all too well, and while she sometimes wished she never remembered what happened to her when she was a child, she knew that she wouldn't be where she was if not for it.

As soon as Lux's parents put it off the first time, instinctively, Clarinda knew it wasn't going to go well; no parent put off meeting their child unless they didn't care, or circumstances were too iffy. And, from what she heard, they weren't the kind of people that had circumstances they couldn't manipulate.

Going to Alaska was somewhat bittersweet for Clarinda, knowing that what Lux was about to face would both crush the girl and strengthen her -- if she allowed it to. And when Lux came back without much to say, Claire also knew that her daughter was in for a hell of a fight.

It had taken a few days, but one late afternoon, as she was preparing dinner, she heard the shattering of glass followed by what was unmistakably pure and sheer rage. Kamren's call barely registered as, automatically, Clarinda slipped out her wand and began to summon things from around the house. First aid kit and empty bowl in hands, Clarinda rushed up the stairs after her husband, arriving second on the scene.

Steeling herself and slipping into professional mode, Clarinda hid any and all emotions behind a mask of a smile that merely read 'you'll be fine'. Walking over carefully and without putting authority into her posture lest she frighten the girl, Clarinda bent knelt at the feet of Lux and began to take out things from the kit.

Filling the bowl with water first, she then gently took Lux -- her daughter's -- hand from Kamren and, pointing her wand at them, murmured a few spells to close up the wounds. Then, once satisfied they were sealed, she picked up a sponge and began to clean the blood. When everything was satisfactory, Clarinda dropped a few drops of a potion from the first aid kit, preventing any scars and ensuring the area was sterile.

Only when she was done tending to the wounds did she allow herself to relax, breathing out a tiny sigh of relief. "Oh Lux," she murmured to the girl. There was only one thing she needed to know right now, and, still softly, Clarinda said, "You do know we still love you, no matter what, right?"

Guest

It was the lowest point in her life. As Lux sat there, hands in her hair, tears running down her cheeks, bellowing her pain away, she couldn't remember feeling worse that this. Her whole life, she'd taken every thing in stride, patched up the holes people blasted in her heart until she felt nothing anymore, slowly building up the walls, hardened herself until nothing could hurt.

But this hurt. A lot. How could two people she didn't care about hurt her so much?

The door opened and without looking up, Lux knew who it was. She hadn't locked her door, too intent on letting her rage out to care if Kamrinda walked in on her. As he walked into the room and knelt down, Lux didn't meet his eyes, drawing deep stuttering breaths into her lungs instead. She sniffled, trying to control her tears, not wanting anyone to see her weak like this, vulnerable.

She held her hands out at his question, just too drained emotionally to fight. She'd been fighting her whole life and now she was tired, tired of trying to get to the top and stay there, tired of having to deal with all the crap life threw her way, tired of holding up the walls around her.

Clarinda wasn't far behind and Lux watched numbly as the witch worked her magic. She didn't even know how her hands got so cut up. She'd probably been careless in her rage and accidentally cut herself while holding the scissors. Lux didn't care. Any physical pain was better than the torment her soul was in.

Clarinda' question made her pause and Lux kept her eyes down, her sobs reduced to quiet sniffles here and there. Needing something to do, she reached out for the pair of scissors lying next to here, where she'd thrown it down. It was still a little bloody but Lux was beyond the point of caring. Taking it up, she opened and closed it slowly, the whooshing sound of the blades sliding over each other and the snip at the end comforting her.

Love. Such a commonly used word, thrown here and there carelessly. I love chocolate. I love blood. I love dead things. But she knew Clarinda wasn't talking about that kind of love. It was a kind of love Lux wasn't familiar with. Abandoned as a baby, growing up in an orphanage with barely enough to eat, carted from one foster home to the next - most of which were just using her for the money. She knew nothing about love, knew nothing about receiving or giving it. All she knew was hatred, anger, survival of the fittest in a kill-or-be-killed world.

"What is love?" she finally whispered.

Guest

Clarinda waited for Lux to respond, knowing that pushing the already fragile girl wouldn't be the wisest thing to do. Instead, letting the seconds pass, Clarinda fought down the anger she could feel rising at the thought of what the girl's biological parents had done to cause Lux to be like this. Whatever it was, it wasn't good, and the side of her that would do anything for her family was suggesting some very not decent things in regards to making sure Lux's biological parents knew what they did was not, in any sense of the word, okay.

She very nearly missed Lux's question, half because it had been so softly spoken and half because her mind was still on the most potent potions she had come across in her line of work and wondering where she might get her hands on some. The results were unpleasant at best, and while she usually worked her butt off to cure the people unfortunate enough to consume these, she couldn't help but have a bubbling desire to find a way to sneak it into the food of Lux's biological parents.

Pushing those thoughts aside for the time being -- Lux needed her, not revenge right now -- Clarinda didn't answer just yet, trying to formulate a reply. Love was a hard topic, and if she was going to be completely honest, Clarinda didn't know what exactly it was; she only knew what it did and how it presented itself.

Love was coming home from a long day at her ward and finding a heated meal on the stove, because Kamren had been called back to work and couldn't be there to greet her.
Love was being sent flowers out of the blue, for no occasion other than Kamren wanting her to know that he was thinking of her.
Love was waking up at three am to cook for her husband who just got in from work despite having a shift in a few hours, because she knew he was tired and a hot meal would help.
Love was his hand finding its way into hers when he thought she was asleep, and waking up with her head on his shoulder despite not remembering doing it.
Love was wordlessly pulling him into a hug, knowing from the look on his face he had a bad day, and still having him comfort her because she lost a patient.

But love was so much more than that. It was the laughter shared between friends, inside jokes lost to everyone else around them. It was the slipping of notes in class, whispers and giggles when the teacher wasn't looking. It was all these things and more, and Clarinda found herself at a loss to explain it.

Instead, placing one arm around Lux, Clarinda murmured, "It isn't a 'what', Lux. Love is people, it's a feeling. It's painful at times, yes, but it can also help more than any spell. Time doesn't heal; love does."

Pausing to let Lux soak in the words, Clarinda gestured to Kamren. "When we say we love you, it means that no matter what you do, we will always be here beside you. When we say we love you, it means that you are ours, and we are yours. It means that we allow the possibility that you hurt us, because we trust that you won't. It means that, whatever life may throw at you, we will always -- always -- be there for you. It means, Lux, that this is your home, a place you will always be wanted. We aren't going anywhere, Lux. That's what it means."

Guest

[[TW: swearing]]

Lux almost wanted to slap herself for asking that question. She'd found a balance in her relationship with the Jennsons. She respected them enough to listen to them and obey their guidelines - not without a fight of course - but hadn't made an effort to deepen that relationship. She never was one for close relationships. It only made one weak and vulnerable.

From her observations (because she didn't actually know what it was like to be close to someone) these feelings of love often left people open to hurt. It was why she'd met her fair share of heartbroken ladies after their boyfriend dumped them. It was also why a person would give anything up just to please that other person. And Lux wasn't ever going to put herself in a position of weakness or slavery.

But that question was out of her mouth before she knew it and there was no taking the words back.

She listened as Clarinda talked, not making the effort to meet her eyes as she mulled over the words. She hadn't missed the way the couple treated her, so vastly different from what she was used to. Where there once was indifference from her former foster parents, now there was care. Where there once were endless complaints as she was dumped back to the orphanage, there now was gentle admonishing and discipline. She hadn't liked the latter at first, grumbling and making sure her opinion was known, but deep deep down somewhere, she was grateful for the boundaries they set.

Was that love?

They never failed to tell her that they loved her, but the words meant nothing to Lux when she didn't even understand the whole concept of it. She'd seen it in their actions though. It was in the way they smiled, the small things they would do for her comfort and pleasure, the interest they showed in her. At first, she'd shrugged everything off, the behaviour so completely strange to her that she'd just attributed it to their weirdness. But now, the words were starting to make some sense.

"But it hurts so f****** much," she continued, not meaning that living with the couple hurt, but that loving someone could. Because unconsciously, she'd loved her biological parents. How could she not when they were the people who gave birth to her? All through her childhood, she'd thought and dreamt about them. To be told to the face that she should've been aborted was driving a dagger straight to her heart. "Why?"

Guest

Kamren had sat quietly as Clarinda tended to Lux's wounds, dealing with his inner turmoil, committing to memory the pain he'd caused his daughter by showing her the truth. Yes, she had wanted the truth, yes, he had warned her that the answer she received might not be the one she wanted. But even in Kamren's wildest dreams, he had not expected for Lux to be so downright grieved from the process.

It was only made scarier with the knowledge he could dispose of the culprits without question, too. But Kamren was too level headed for that.

The Minister had instead taken his wand out, and silently repaired the mirror whilst Lux's attention was on Clarinda, keeping all of them safe from the shards that littered the floor.

Hearing the question from Lux's lips - only just catching it despite the quietness of the room - Kamren's heart ached. Lux was too young to question such things - yes she was nearly an adult, but no-one should question that. Kamren's eyes had flickered to Clarinda as she replied, and he knew, no matter how diplomatic he was, he could not have put that any better himself. From Clarinda, it had come across with much more passion that he could have hoped, and he put a note in the back of his mind to tell her how wonderful a mum she was later, not now.

Those words had not quite been enough for Lux though. Her next words - Kamren grimaced at the swearing, but for once did not admonish her for it - had the Minister thinking for a moment. It wasn't an easy question. There was an answer, though.

"If love didn't hurt, on occasion, it would mean that it wasn't really love to begin with." Kamren told her softly. "Love is caring for someone deeply... But when that someone does something you didn't expect them to, it causes your heart to ache. Or maybe... when you love someone and you see them upset, or hurt, it makes you want to destroy the cause of the pain. It makes you want to do anything, to make them happy again. There are many reasons you might hurt because of love, Lux, but love's purpose is not to hurt you. With time, you will be able to... to see the other side of this pain."

Kamren glanced to his wife, and then returned his gaze to Lux. "You're hurting because of what your p- your biological parents said, aren't you?" Kamren posed, though he knew the question was redundant, so he continued. "If you'd like to share it with us, we can listen. We can try to help you, or explain, if you'd like. Or, you can tell us, and if you don't want us to say anything, we won't." Kamren suggested quite quietly, Clarinda and he were still in the dark, but perhaps Lux would be able to open up a little.

Guest

The question Lux posed next had Clarinda wanting to cry for the girl. She would, later, when Kamren and her were alone, but right now Lux needed parents, two people who loved her unconditionally and cared for her, not tears. So, drawing on years of professional experience that was being tested to the limit, she pushed back her emotions and focused on Lux.

At Kamren's words, Clarinda nodded, sending him a look when Lux wasn't looking. "..destroy the source of pain" was exactly what she was feeling, and a part of her knew that Kamren was, too. If they had but a chance, she knew they would do terrible, terrible things to Lux's biological parents -- but revenge was never right, and the part of Clarinda that was a Healer understood this. Despite that, the witch didn't particularly care about right or wrong -- not when it came to her family.

For a split second, she wondered if she should speak or let Lux respond first; then, deciding Lux needed to hear more than a little assurance, she added on to what Kamren said. "It hurts because, whether you like it or not, Lux, you cared. You cared about them, and you wanted them to feel the same about you. You loved them, in your own way, and whatever they said to you, whatever they did, showed you that they didn't feel the same." She paused, using her free hand to brush back some of the girl's hair from her forehead, an action that was unconsciously done.

"That's the downside of love, I'm afraid to say; you open yourself to being torn apart. Sometimes you get lucky and the person you love feels the same-" At this, her eyes flickered to Kamren above Lux's head, eyes saying what she didn't aloud, and that she was blessed to have him as a husband. "But sometimes it doesn't happen that way. I said it earlier, but it's worth repeating: to love someone is to open yourself to the option of being terribly hurt by them, because you trust that they won't. Love is trust, and sometimes trust is misplaced."

Clarinda placed her hand on Lux's head, gently stroking at her hair. "Nobody knows why we love who we love. We can't always help it. But sometimes we are given the opportunity to choose it -- to choose to lower our defences and open ourselves to getting hurt because we think it's worthwhile. And Lux, we will say it until the day we die -- we think you're worth it." Again, she paused to let her words sink in. Then, softly, she added, "As Kam has said, we will be here -- as your parents -- if you need to talk. We promise not to judge, and we won't push you to share more than you're comfortable with."

Guest

As Kamren explained, nodding very slightly once to show that she was listening. His question and invitation to talk about what happened, drew her gaze up to his. She needed to see his face, his eyes to gauge if he was sincere with his words. She knew from experience that the couple always meant their words, but she'd been in the habit too long to break it. When she found what she was looking for, she dropped her gaze to the scissors in her hands. Before she could decide if she should tell them the whole story, Clarinda spoke.

She'd never admit it out loud, but Lux knew that Clarinda's words were true. She had cared for her biological parents, no matter how many times she denied it to anyone who asked. She never cared much about others' opinion of her but she had definitely cared about what Curtis and Megan thought about her. Not any more now. She'd learned her lesson and Lux never made the same mistake twice.

Her first instinct when she registered Clarinda's touch, was to flinch away and punish her for it. Lux absolutely hated people touching her without her permission, but somehow, this was comforting and she relaxed after a few moments. Clarinda continued her explanation and Lux thought that if love came hand in hand with being hurt, she'd rather not love at all. Having love was not worth the hurt it caused. Then again, she hadn't tried out the love part yet to know if it really was worth it or not.

"...we think you're worth it."

That phrase caught Lux by surprise. How could two people, completely unrelated to her, think she was worth it when two people who'd contributed to her existence didn't even want her? How could someone who'd picked her up from an orphanage care for her more than someone who was her flesh and blood? How was she more worth it to the one than the other?

All these thoughts whirled in her mind until she didn't know what to think. Should she tell them what happened? What was the use? They couldn't change anything. But she'd kept it in for too long, dealing with it the only way she knew how - punishing everybody she came across and hurting them the way she'd been hurt. She'd been unstoppable, roaming the streets with her gang, bullying kids endlessly, destroying anything and anyone they could get their hands on. She'd nearly landed up in jail while vandalising someone's property, but managed to escape by the skin of her teeth. She almost wished she had landed up in jail. That was better than Kamrinda finding her a blubbering mess on her bedroom floor.

But none of her usual coping methods worked. Where was the harm in trying this out?

Taking some time to formulate her thoughts, Lux turned her attention from the scissors to the carpet, her fingers playing with the fibres. "They told me they should've aborted me," she finally said. She paused a long while, replaying the entire scene in her head, every word that was exchanged. "They didn't even name me. They hate me." Another pause. "They lied at first. Said they'd wanted to keep me and all that s***. But I know a liar when I see one." A proud glint appeared in her eyes. "And I made them tell me the truth. Then I turned the tables on them and made them – him - beg." An evil smirked crossed her lips as she remembered Curtis begging her not to blackmail them. “All they wanted was to keep their social status. That’s all they care about.”

Lux finally lifted her gaze to meet Kamren and Clarinda’s eyes, almost daring them to discipline her for what she’d done, and said four words. “So I blackmailed them.”