Fuzzy Thoughts [Dimitri]

Guest

January 2024

It has been at least a week-maybe more- since Neri had danced with Dimitri. Her head was all messed up and she still found it extremely difficult to come to a conclusion about what she should do. Yes, with each day, Dimitri was taking over her thoughts more and more, making it practically impossible for the Ravenclaw witch to keep it together and pay attention in class. The scarf she had given him, now smelling like him after he had her for so long, was the only thing keeping her company. Why hadn’t she met up with him? She needed the space, and not because she felt uncomfortable, but because she had to pull herself together and clear her thoughts. She had to make a decision. She had to go talk to Dimitri, express her feelings and see where that took her. The possible scenarios were two. He either didn’t like her back - which would be the case, she was sure - and she would have to suck it up and move on, or he did reciprocate her feelings. And that meant she was doomed…

But she was a coward. Nerisei kept avoiding life - and Dimitri - and instead, tried to find anything else to fill her time. Anything that would make her forget him, even for a little while. Something to help her deal with all these crazy thoughts and also, her fears. What would happen if Dimitri rejected her? She had already lost so many people, and if he said that he didn’t share the same feelings, how would they look each other in the eye again? She was risking of losing another person, maybe the most important one.

Why had she allowed herself to feel again?

But was it her fault?

The alcohol said it wasn’t. Yes, alcohol. Delia, the girl she had met a few nights ago had introduced her to alcohol. Her way out of this crazy life she was living. She was alone by the Lake, trying to figure out what the hell she was doing with her miserable life when Delia appeared, giving her a solution to the problem. And it had worked, it really did. Nerisei was simply drinking so much that she ended up blacking out. And no thoughts were running through her head anymore. Not until she woke up, at least, with a terrible headache. Painkillers were her BFFs later as she strived to make it through the day.

But this night, this specific Saturday night, alcohol was not doing its job. No matter how much Nerisie had had, the thoughts were there, tormenting her to the point of no return. Her mind kept telling her that it wasn’t her fault she was feeling like this, and she was too weak to fight it. It was Dimitri’s fault. When they had met at the Music Room, Neri was a normal girl, dealing with a good life. Being happy. And all that happiness around her made it surprisingly easy to busy herself with something else. Something that made her forget about how much of a crush she had on him. And then, he disappeared. And as soon as she was almost over him, there he went again, jumping into her life. And this time, it was worse.

This time, Nerisei had closed off anything related to love. Her feelings were protected by a wall. A wall she had built for a reason. To protect herself, to make it out of this year sane. And what did he do? He came in and gave her the most beautiful smile she had ever seen and the walls came crumbling down in a matter of seconds. The thoughts of being sane were thrown out of the window and here she was, crying like a baby, because she wanted him. Because he was what made her feel again. Because without him… it was worse than before.

“H-his fault!” Nerisei sobbed as she downed another bottle of whiskey. She was already wasted and her mind was not making the right choices. Especially when it decided that she should go find him and finally tell him off. She had to get it out of her system. And this is how the Ravenclaw witch found herself walking towards the Ravenclaw Tower, and most specifically, the Boys’ Dorms. It did take her some time to figure out which one was Dimitri’s, because everything was fuzzy, but once she founded she started knocking on the door. “Mitriiii…” she half moaned. Her head was spinning, but she had to tell him. It was now or never.

Guest

After the night in the Music Room where they had spent time dancing, Dimitri hadn’t seen much of Nerisei. Not because he didn’t want to see her, but because the witch seemed to be busy -- or, that was what Dimitri was telling himself when she moved passed him in the Common Room and out in to the hallways of the castle. Then, a couple of days later, the Common Room and the castle was starting to fill back up, and Dimitri’s other friends filled his time with their stories of their holidays.

Dimitri had played his own down. Though, in truth it had been quiet, he didn’t focus too much on how much time he’d spent with Nerisei, because he knew how it might look, and Dimitri didn’t want any rumours to be started. Especially as Nerisei had distanced herself from him.

Which was okay, Dimitri figured the girl was busy with her own friends.

And soon after that, classes had arrived, which kept Dimitri busy with work after classes to the extent he hadn’t had time to really think about things. When Saturday came, the fifth year boys had called a party in their dorm, which usually meant the others would be drinking, whilst Dimitri sat sipping at a can of the cheap beer they had smuggled in. There would be a lot of talk of sports -- especially since the Ravenclaws were doing so well this season -- and then more talk about conquests of the other boys in his dorm.

Dimitri rarely paid the latter much attention, he didn’t like talking of women as objects, but apparently that was the ‘cool’ thing to do.

The conversation that evening had gone to Phil’s conquest of a ‘beautiful brunette’ over the Christmas holidays. If Phil could be relied upon, the girl had the biggest pa-

“Mitriiii…”

Dimitri came back from his reverie in which he was trying to compose a piece of his own, but it kept falling back too similar to a song he’d played in the Christmas holidays. Too late, though.

Phil had jumped from his bed -- the Quidditch player was only decked in his jeans, his top having been discarded for some weird reason Dimitri couldn’t remember now. Muscles were starting to define the sixteen year old’s body as he opened the door casually leaning on it.

“Volkova.” Phil replied, leering slightly at that moment. “Why don’t you come in, join the party?” He offered, opening the door more for the witch to come in.

“I’m just coming, Nerisei,” Dimitri called out, getting up from his bed quickly and moving out of the room past Phil, before shutting the door behind him to show this wasn’t a conversation for the whole room. “What’s u-” Dimitri started, before seeing Nerisei’s reddened eyes. “Nerisei…” He managed softly, one hand coming to rest gently on her arm. “What’s wrong..?”

Guest

As the door opened, the witch didn’t have enough time to register what was going on. A male torso was all she had time to see, her head spinning, making it incredibly difficult for her to place who the guy was. But she knew it was not Dimitri, and that was all that mattered. Even in this confused state, Dimitri was all her mind seemed to care about. The invitation to join the ‘party’ that was seemingly going on went unanswered, because Dimitri made sure to speak up. Neri’s eyes immediately snapped towards his voice, like a lost puppy looking for its owner. She didn’t make a move to go inside the room though. She only wanted Dimitri.

“I’m just coming, Nerisei,”

And sure enough, there he was. Coming out of the room, the Ravenclaw wizard made sure to close the door behind him, making it obvious that this was not something that the other boys had to see.This was between the two of them. And it was, it truly was.

“Nerisei…”

By the sound of his voice Neri knew she looked like a bloody mess. Her eyes would probably be foggy and red, from all the alcohol but also the tears that she was unable to hold in. She was crying, yes. Most people, including herself, considered that a weakness, but she didn’t care. Bottled up were her emotions, for far too long. And now, she would spill everything.

“What’s wrong..?”

Her eyes went from his hand, that was now on her arm, probably to keep her steady, back to his face. Was he worrying about her? But no, she didn’t had time to feel bad about this. It was his fault she was such a mess. His fault that she couldn’t go a day without thinking about him. His fault that she couldn’t focus on anything else but him. His. Damn. Fault.

“It’s your fault!”

The witch pulled away from him, uncertain of what else to say. Her thoughts were a mess, but she wanted to tell him every single thing she was thinking. She wouldn’t leave anything out of it. “It’s all your damn fault, you know that?”

Taking a deep breath, Nerisei looked him straight in the eye before finally speaking her thoughts. “I was fine. I was fine until that day that you came into that damn Music Room, while I was practising. I had been watching you, you know. I had such a big crush on you. And you came in, looking like the perfect fucking shit you are, fucking with my head, making me lose all sanity. And do you know what you did next? You disappeared. You fucking disappeared!”

A sob escaped her lips, and Nerisei ran a hand through her hair, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. But she wasn’t done. Oh, no. There were still so many to be said.
“So, you know what I did? I tried to move on, like any normal girl would do. A year passed, my best friends died, and I fucking gave up! I had no friends, and it was easier, you know that? So much easier to be alone. I shut down my feelings. I built up my walls. I didn’t care!” Another sob escaped the witch but she bit her lip, trying to stop herself.

“And then what did you do? You stumbled into my life again. That day at the Pitch, remember? I was trying to avoid everyone, yet there you were. Appearing out of nowhere. And my heart couldn’t fight you off. I was too broken.. Too fucking broken, Mitri… And that day, you made it impossible for me not to fall for you all over again. And.. and from that day on I.. it was hard okay?”

Nerisei moved closer to him, invading his personal space without giving a single damn. She brought her face close to his, her eyes puffy from all the crying, but she still has a few things to say.

“And then.. We decided to go dancing.. How stupid of me, really. I thought I could keep it together. Pretend like… pretend like I wasn’t losing my fucking mind every time you touched me. But I can’t do this anymore, Dimitri. I can’t! It’s your fault I am drinking every single night, in hopes I will finally make a decision on whether to tell you how unbelievably in love I am with you! And every night, I end up passed out, or I cry myself to sleep, cuddling the scarf with your scent…!”

Nerisei inhaled sharply, her heart beating incredibly hard. She didn’t know if the boys in the room had heard her, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was the guy in front of her.
Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, Neri pulled him closer to her. “How dare you?! How dare you be so… so… perfect, damn it! How dare you come into my life, make me feel again, and just… just stand there doing nothing?! How?! How can your smile brighten up my whole world.. How is this possible..? How can I want you so bloody much..?” By the end, Nerisei’s voice was nothing but a whisper. But her head was at ease. She had finally said it all. All that she had been keeping inside of her all this time.

“Do you know how hard it is, knowing that I don’t have a single chance with you?”
Sighing, she closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his chest. She didn’t care about the consequences now.

Guest

Tears still slid down Nerisei’s cheeks, and Dimitri didn’t know how to make them stop. He didn’t understand what had caused the tears, and after a few moments… the smell of alcohol made itself known to the boy. This… couldn’t be good, he thought to himself, his hand taking a more steadying role on the witch because he wasn’t sure she was going to be okay.

“It’s your fault!”

That much confused Dimitri visibly, there was no mistaking that the Ravenclaw didn’t understand as to what the witch was talking about when she said that it was his fault. But, before the boy could open his mouth to ask why it was his fault, or what was his fault, Nerisei was asking him once more if he knew if it was his fault. Dimitri’s eyes were full of questions as his hand dropped back to his side. Nerisei had stepped away and Dimitri didn’t know what she was talking about at all. To say this was confusing would have been an understatement to say the least.

The explanation came a moment later, though, and Dimitri looked at the witch with shock on his features. Nerisei had a crush on him How was he supposed to know something like that? He… Dimitri didn’t know what t say in that moment, his eyes just searching hers and seeing nothing but the truth shining back at him in that moment.

How was…

But the comment about disappearing… Dimitri had been right here, the whole time, just living out his time at Hogwarts as he usually did. How had he disappeared? But, once more, Dimitri opened his mouth to say something and found himself closing it once more because Nerisei started to talk.

Her best friends had died… it took Dimitri only a moment to connect the dots and work out who Nerisei was talking about in that moment and his heart went out to the witch before him. The urge to step forth and bring her in to his arms was strong, but Dimitri had noted how she’d stepped away from him, showing she didn’t want him to be close to her in that moment. Which, of course, was absolutely fine. He understood and respected her need to distance herself in the moment.

But Nerisei wasn’t done, and as the witch grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer, the smell of alcohol was near on intoxicating on it’s own. Her words only growing more troublesome by the minute as he looked for something… anything to say to calm her down in that moment. Drunk people, though, were not really people to reason with, in truth. They were never going to listen to what you said, no matter how rational.

“Do you know how hard it is, knowing that I don’t have a single chance with you?”

Dimitri let out a soft breath as Nerisei rested her head upon his chest, and after a moment, perhaps two, his arms came up to wrap around her slender frame, gently rubbing circles in her back to calm the witch down. “It’s okay, don’t worry…” Dimitri said softly, though he knew that this was not the case in Nerisei’s case at all, she was worrying, it was why she had been drinking.

“How about we get you to bed? We can talk about this all tomorrow, when you’ve slept on it?” Dimitri offered, still rubbing her back softly though he made no move to move her towards the girls’ dorm.

“Everything will be better in the morning, I promise…” Dimitri added, though he wasn’t sure that was true, but it sounded like the right thing to say.

Guest

he young witch was spent. In any way someone could imagine The alcohol was deeply rooted into her body by that time, and she was visibly drunk. But what made her spent was all the feelings that had finally flowed out of her. All the words that she was so scared of sharing. They were now out, but the witch had no idea what would come out of it. To be honest, when you were drunk, you didn’t really care about the consequences. All you cared about was the here and now. And Nerisei had finally gathered enough courage to change her present, and hopefully, her future.

“It’s okay, don’t worry…”

His words wasn’t helping her. Why couldn’t he say something? His arms were around her, holding her close, protecting her from the world. Protecting her even from herself. But his words… Every time it was the same. Even though Neri could sense something, he always kept his composure, always said something neutral. Something to just calm the situation. Dimitri didn’t say what she wanted him to say. But what did she really want?

An answer. At that point, the Ravenclaw witch didn’t care whether it was negative, or positive. She just wanted an answer. Something that would either put an end to all of this, or it would help her move forward, take the next step with someone. Form a relationship of some sorts.
But Dimitri didn’t give her the satisfaction.

“How about we get you to bed? We can talk about this all tomorrow, when you’ve slept on it?”

“Why won’t you give me an answer? Why are you always so… reserved?” Neri pulled back slightly to look at him, but the moment her eyes looked up she groaned and shut them once again. Her head fell against his chest as more groans escaped her lips. She was totally wasted, and it was obvious that in the morning she would feel twice as bad. Especially when she remembers what she had done.

“Everything will be better in the morning, I promise…”

Nerisei didn’t answer immediately. Instead, she just nodded, nuzzling her face into his chest before whispering loud enough for him to hear. “Yeah.. bed..” And that was the last thing she remembered before the witch blacked out.

Guest

The question of how he was always so reserved was one that Dimitri didn’t answer. It wasn’t, in his mind, something he actively did. It was just him, a calm persona, knowing how to shield and deflect when necessary. Talking openly about things had never been something that Dimitri had favoured, and had, actually, always been very closed off.

So, with Nerisei asking him how he felt… that was not going to be something Dimitri was comfortable talking about. Or, even knew how to talk about.

How did he feel?

Dimitri hadn’t thought about it. Nerisei was his friend. Someone he enjoyed spending time with. Someone he looked forward to spending time with. She was attractive, anyone could see that. But he’d never considered for a moment that she would like him in that manner. They couldn’t…

But before Dimitri could fully formulate any coherent thoughts on the subject, Nerisei’s body was going limp in his arms, signalling she’d passed out. Holding her to him, Dimitri frowned at the predicament in which he’d found himself. “Okay, let’s get you to bed…” Dimitri said softly, managing to bring one arm down behind her knees. Lifting her up, Dimitri made his way to the girl’s dorm, managing to get the rest of the girls to help him get her in to her bed, and tucked up safely.

The girls agreed to look after her, and with one final look back at the witch, concern written in his features, Dimitri thanked them for their help, before leaving. He’d done enough, after all, she didn’t need rumours sprouting by taking her in to his room, even if it had been closer.

But, the Ravenclaw knew he would have to find her the next day.

They would have to talk.

And Dimitri was not looking forward to it.

» Breaking the Ice [Dimitri]
» Thoughts on revelations (Prim and Chris)
» Teach Me [Dimitri]
» The Muggle Way V.2 [Dimitri]
» 'Us' [Dimitri]