Broken Innocence (Gabrielle)

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There was no smile on her face, no excitement in her movements, and no spark was found in her eyes. None of the usual things that made Kayleigh, well, Kayleigh was present, and the twelve-year-old made her way down to the shore, a fog of uncertainty dampening her every sense. How had she not known? How could she have been so blind? So foolish?

Thestrals. They were not 'zombie pegasus' and they were not mysterious beasts. She had seen them because she had seen death, that much was clear, but she had been so adamant that she hadn't. She had argued with the Professor, told him he must have been wrong, because surely she'd remember something as tragic as seeing someone die?

Obliviate was the one thing she forgot. But her father hadn't when he discovered her at her grandparents' place during her weekly playdate with them, hiding behind a secret door where her grandfather had stored her after a Pureblood extremist broke into the house and murdered her grandmother in front of her. He was to join his wife moments after ensuring Kayle was safe. When Kayle was found, her father had done the only thing he knew to protect her, and she grew up thinking her grandparents had died of old age.

All this had been hidden with a simple spell, but now that she had seen thestrals and wrote to her parents explaining her confusion at wrong information being taught, the truth had come out. She had been told everything by her parents - not over letter, but face to face - and now she was had the burden of truth to deal with.

It made for quick growing up.

Sitting by the side of the lake, she stared out at the serene water, feeling nothing but turmoil, and let out a sigh, a couple tears filling her eyes. She didn't blink, didn't give them the satisfaction of falling, and instead just sat. Her parents had wanted to keep her at home, but she just couldn't, and it was at her insistence that they allowed her to return to Hogwarts. Truth was, she didn't know where to go, just that she wanted to be alone and for things to go back to the way they were before - before she knew.

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She saw it all, even from afar—the shoulders that slumped after hearing bad news, the eyes that never quite matched the laughter after an insulting joke, the slight smile as fast as a lightning cutting through a dark sky after witnessing someone fall. The strangers Gabrielle passed by never remained as such to her—with just a glance, she knew who was secretly hurting, and who was also secretly hurting someone.

Unlike most of her skills, it was one she had not meant to acquire. It was a product of learning from her mistakes—after walking into her parents' fights, or volunteering to help them with groceries even when tension simmered in the air, Gabrielle eventually learned to observe her parents. To see if her father's grip on his glass was tighter, or if her mother's head remained hanging low throughout the day. She learned to see all of that, and more, until she began to see the same movements in adults she didn't know, much like how she recognised the same sadness in her fellow, shy classmates.

When you saw that much, it was easier to want blindness. To numb yourself from other people's pain.

At Hogwarts, Gabrielle found her anaesthesia in Potions, which allowed her to focus on ingredients and chemicals that didn't smile, laugh or cry. Everything was clinical and clean, and the only thing she had to worry about was not knowing enough about the ingredients to foresee accidents. And for seven years now, her life revolved around her Potions experiments. Whenever she saw someone look out the window and sigh during her classes, she looked away, ignoring the forming stories and theories in her head and distracting herself with thoughts of porcupine quills. Of bezoars and serotonin.

And yet it wasn't so easy to look away. It wasn't easy to see terrified expressions, or hands pulling at sleeves to cover their arms. And when Gabrielle saw Kayleigh Walters's face upon realising what they were studying in that one Care of Magical Creatures class, Gabrielle couldn't look away, couldn't make herself think that terrible things happened everyday. That it was all normal.

That night, she searched her muggle psychology books for post-traumatic stress disorder. She studied the ingredients and chemicals in the recommended medicines, and then looked up her Potions books to see if there were equivalents in wizarding apothecaries.

She was walking around the grounds, taking a break from working on the Potion all night, when she noticed the girl whose stricken face haunted her thoughts. Before she could think about what she was doing, Gabrielle walked towards the girl, approaching carefully since the girl was clearly upset and in need of space. 'Kayleigh,' she uncertainly called out, unaware that she had used the girl's first name instead of referring to her by the more impersonal surname. 'Hi, may I sit with you?'

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We're sorry we didn't tell you earlier. We were waiting for when you were older. "What else didn't you tell me?" she wanted to ask, but didn't, instead accepting the words with a curt nod. How long were they going to keep it hidden? Till she was fifteen? Eighteen? Twenty? Never? It felt like she had lived a lie. Old age was not all it was cut out to be, apparently, and Kayle just could not comprehend it. Passing away after having lived a nice, long life and having made peace with everyone before you left was something she could understand. Having it torn from you when you weren't yet done living? No. That was not... Not nice.

She shook her head, trying to clear the mist.

A sudden noise caught her attention, and she turned to see someone standing there. "Oh, hello," she said, trying to put friendliness into her tone and failing. "Sure," she added at the question. Normally, she would've jumped at an opportunity to make friends and meet new people, but now? Now she wasn't sure of anything.

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Kayleigh was the sort of girl who was hard to miss during their classes. Even Gabrielle, who did her best to not pay attention to anyone, knew how friendly the girl was, and how she never failed to brighten up the the room. To see her struggling to act friendly was just heartbreaking, and Gabrielle was surprised by how much it affected her. How it made her chest hurt and gave her the urge to hug the girl.

Affection was not something she knew how to readily offer, though. All she could do was to sit down beside Kayleigh, making sure that the girl still had a comfortable amount of space to herself. 'I'm Gabrielle,' she said, not offering to shake Kayleigh's hand just so the younger girl would know that it wasn't necessary to be formal. To fake anything, especially pleasantries. Not when the world had seemed to turn unpleasant for Kayleigh.

It would be unfair to expect her to be sweet, bubbly and charming, when all she probably wanted was to understand what had just happened. Why she was able to see those Thestrals.

Gabrielle regretted not having brought snacks. Talking was easier over food, even if it was just candy. She felt awkward, sitting there with the younger girl who was normally the friendlier one, but she figured it was better than leaving the girl alone. The girl may want to be alone, but Gabrielle remembered how lonely she felt when her parents divorced, and how she had wished she had an older sister. Someone who could be there for her.

'Kayleigh,' she started, doing her best to speak softly and gently, 'Is something wrong? Do you... do you want a listener?'

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For the life of her, Kayleigh had trouble remembering the name of the witch beside her. Student of the year, alongside her, yes, and Ravenclaw, but other than that... Things like that wouldn't have been a problem otherwise; she would have asked, made a joke about it or something similar, and forgotten it moments later, only to have to ask again. ADHD was a curse in that way, but there were some positive sides.

But mostly at the current moment, it was all working against her. Her mind would not stop churning out possible outcomes and replaying the words she had heard from her parents. Her memory was selective, although not by her choice, and it had, apparently, decided to store word for word what her parents had told her. And, on top of that, when she felt, she felt deeply, and right now the sense of betrayal and uncertainty and horror and.. everything.. was just mixing together to form a sort of bubble of awfulness around her.

The name was offered to her, and she did naught but nod. What was there to say? Nice to meet you? No, Kayle only said what she meant, even if sometimes inappropriate, and right now, she wasn't pleased to meet anyone. She wanted answers and answers alone, although a part of her knew they wouldn't help, not really. What she needed was to come to terms with it.

A time of silence passed, and then more words were being spoken, and Kayle tilted her head to finally look towards the witch. Humour had always been her defense mechanism, and at the question, she couldn't help but see the funny side. Was something wrong? Everything is, she thought. Did she need a listener? People can't get me to shut up!

She shrugged. Opened her mouth, tried to find words, and failed. So, she closed it and shrugged again. A couple seconds passed, while she tried to think of the words. Being open with a stranger wasn't unusual for her, and unless her parents were there to tell her that she probably shouldn't be admitting that to the guy checking them out at a store, she would word vomit anything and everything.

She just couldn't figure out how or what to say in this one scenario. "They lied," she finally managed, with another shrug. "They said it was old age."

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'A deafening silence' was an oxymoron that never really made sense to Gabrielle. When there was silence, she embraced it, taking the opportunity to work hard or even just think without distractions. It was how Gabrielle first saw Kayleigh—awkward silences never happened whenever the Gryffindor was around, as she was always asking professors questions and making friends with everyone.

So when the awkward silence lingered between them, Gabrielle couldn't really embrace it, though she knew that it was best not to probe too much. Instead, she let Kayleigh stay quiet. If the girl didn't want to talk, that was fine by Gabrielle; Kayleigh was under no obligation whatsoever to open up to a stranger. But there was also the possibility that the girl was just gathering her thoughts, and Gabrielle knew that she mustn't intrude. She had no right to invade Kayleigh's space, no matter how open she was to everyone before that class with Thestrals.

Kayleigh's reply cut through the silence. Gabrielle looked down on her lap as she thought about who 'they' might be, and who had died of 'old age'. The one who died couldn't be the parent—Kayleigh was far too young to have an elderly parent, and besides, the 'they' hinted at the possibility of the ones who lied being Kayleigh's parents. Was it her grandfather, then, who did not die of old age? Or perhaps her grandmother? Gabrielle wanted to know, but she decided against asking—if Kayleigh wanted to share, she would, eventually.

'I'm sorry to hear that,' Gabrielle replied, her eyes downcast as she looked at Kayleigh. The girl may have said it nonchalantly, but Gabrielle could only imagine the pain she was feeling inside. The anger at being lied to. It was a familiar feeling, after all—Gabrielle felt it every time her parents told her that it wasn't her fault, that the divorce wasn't because of her. 'It must... it must hurt a lot.'

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The words that were offered to her made her feel a little better, for she was not yet at the age where she learnt generic things one should say when listening, and she smiled slightly. Nodding at what the older witch - Gabrielle, she reminded herself - said, Kayle shrugged yet again. It did, sort of, and yet it was more than just that. Anger, confusion, uncertainty... That was part of what she felt, and nothing at all like what she felt, and it was just a blab of emotions that made no sense whatsoever to the second year.

"Yes, I suppose. But it's more like... Oh, I don't know, it's just... weird. Not weird, but like... weird," she said, the words coming more freely now that she had started. But her lack of vocabulary stumbled this, and she let out a sigh. "I mean... It's just... You know?"

Taking a deep breath, she tried to focus her thoughts once more. "They said that they died from old age. My grandparents. But, they didn't. Thestrals... You can only see them when you've seen death, right? But I was sure I had not cos I'm only twelve and that's something I know I would remember, so I was sure I had not. But they had lied," she explained, not realising that as her mind moved quicker than she could talk, the words were coming out jumbled and the explanation wasn't very straightforward.

"I saw it. I don't remember it but they said I saw it." Now, the tears came, too, and one escaped and rolled down her cheek, though she made no effort to wipe it. "Is it wrong that I want to?"

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It seemed as if Kayleigh was starting to relax around her, and Gabrielle hoped it wasn't just her wishful thinking. She wasn't even sure if she was saying the right words, or doing the right thing—after all, she had lived all her life merely watching people from a distance—but hearing Kayleigh talk more made her feel better. Talking was cathartic, after all, and Gabrielle wanted Kayleigh to be able to express herself. To feel like she can talk without being judged.

Nodding silently, she listened as Kayleigh talked about how it was all so 'weird'. How she found out about the true cause of her grandparents' death due to the Thestrals, and how her parents had lied to her. It seemed as if they had wiped away her memories, perhaps to prevent her from experiencing the shock and trauma caused by seeing how her grandparents died. More than the hurt and pain from her grandparents' death, Gabrielle could see that it was the lie that truly shook her. The lie, and the fact that she couldn't even remember her grandparents' death.

Even when it was supposed to be a scar etched in her memory.

What Kayleigh's parents had done was understandable. At least, that was what the cold, logical side of her brain told her. It may have been wrong to take away her memories, but it was done to protect her, and Gabrielle assumed that Kayleigh had grown up happy and with a loving family.

And yet there could have been a much better way to help Kayleigh. Counselling, therapy, or whatever it was people with PTSD went to... it might have helped her. Even if the memory would scar her for the rest of her life, she would at least know what had truly happened to her grandparents. She wouldn't have lived so happily, but she would know. It wouldn't be as if it never happened, as if their death was a peaceful one.

Gabrielle reached for a handkerchief—it was clean, thank Merlin—and handed it over to Kayleigh, who had started crying. She would've scooted over to offer a hug, or even just a shoulder to cry on, but she wasn't sure if that was what Kayleigh wanted. That was one thing she never did learn despite being skilled at observation—no matter how much of an open book the person was, Gabrielle could never tell if she was needed, or at least wanted.

Shaking her head, she looked at Kayleigh sadly. 'I don't think it's wrong at all,' she responded. 'You want to understand. You don't want your memories to be a lie.' She paused to let her words sink in for a moment before she spoke again, hoping she sounded soothing enough. 'It's alright, you can cry it out.'

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She accepted the handkerchief with a small word of thanks, barely audible, but escaping automatically. Despite her bluntness and lack of tack in certain (okay most) situations, Kayle never lacked in manners. Or, at the very least, she tried to be polite; whether she came across as that was another matter altogether. In any case, even in this situation with her mind and heart in utter chaos - for that was what it was - she did not need to think about it, and the 'thank you' slipped out.

It was a wonder sometimes that she was not a Hufflepuff, but the hat had been adamant that she had very strong Gryffindor qualities. If she could 'change' house or not as she grew up and other qualities developed was something she wondered about but never found an answer to.

Wiping at the tears, Kayle found that it was hard to get more to come, not that she was trying, and held in a sigh. She felt like she wanted to cry, but why couldn't she? She nodded at the words, comprehending them on some level, but not quite fully. She trusted her parents knew what was right for her, and they had always taken care of her and given her everything she needed, so why would they have done something to harm her? It was wrong to go against their wishes, and she knew this not because they demanded she do so, but because they loved her and she loved them and wasn't that what love did? Obey?

But as the witch continued, Kayle nodded again. "Yea," she agreed. "I want to know, but I also don't want to know because..." she hesitated, but knew she had to say it. "because I don't want to remember who killed my grandma and grandpa and I don't wanna see them being killed but at the same time I want to because I want to know why anyone would do that. I mean dad said it was because mum's a Pureblood and dad is a muggle-born and that people didn't like that and so they wanted to show my mum that what she did was wrong and that my grandparents were wrong for letting it happen, so they killed my grandparents."

She paused to take a breath, surprised to find that the tears had started; she hadn't realised it before, and wiped at them with the cloth she held. "Dad says he caught them and they're not in Azke..Azkaban so I don't need to worry but I do because I want to know who they were and yet I don't," she concluded.

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Sickening. There was no other word to describe what Gabrielle had just heard. Kayleigh's grandparents were killed in front of her, and all because those purebloods could never seem to get over their bloody prejudices. Gabrielle felt her blood begin to boil again, but she had to calm herself down—this wasn't about her, or her blood status. This was about Kayleigh, and the Gryffindor needed a listener, not an angry person who would just make things worse.

What was worse about all of this was that it wasn't just about a death, or a lie. No. This was Kayleigh learning how terrible the world can be. And while Gabrielle had the 'privilege' to learn about hate and injustice slowly, from primary school bullying to the pureblood supremacist cliques in Hogwarts, Kayleigh learned about it in the form of murder.

She could offer Kayleigh all the handkerchiefs or even hugs in the world, but there was something she could never return to Kayleigh, and Kayleigh would just have to be strong. The Gryffindor would have to harden her heart in order to carry the burden of knowledge. She may smile again someday, maybe even make friends with purebloods, but Gabrielle knew that Kayleigh would never be the same again. And that was just how life worked.

And now, aside from the worry she always felt for herself and her family, there was fear for Kayleigh as well. Her father may have caught the criminals, but there was no way for them to incarcerate an ideology, just as how robberies would never stop just because thieves get caught. Somewhere out there, there could be a family, or even a community, gathering to plot against innocent people. People who just happened to be different. Feeling tears form in her eyes, Gabrielle looked away from Kayleigh and subtly wiped them away by pretending to push back hair from her forehead.

She would protect Kayleigh. There was no doubt about it. People like them needed to stick together, especially now that Kayleigh needed all the support she can get. 'Kayleigh,' she began, taking hold of the younger girl's hand, 'I understand why you want to know who they are. Maybe you think you'll get answers. Or that you can have revenge, even. But I think... I think it's best if you focus on your grandparents, and not on them.' She squeezed Kayleigh's hand then let go to put her arm around the girl instead. She wasn't used to half-hugging someone, but she thought it might help, especially since the girl had started crying again. 'I'm a muggleborn. People like us, we need to stick together and protect each other.

'Your grandparents... they must have been wonderful people. The world is full of evil things, but... your parents allowed love to grow. Between your mum and dad. And now here you are, and so far, you've done a great job at continuing what they had done.' Gabrielle then fell quiet, absently stroking Kayleigh's hair as she thought about the unfairness of it all.

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