I Just Can't Say These Things (Circe & James)

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James had known, when Circe had left for the beach on their holiday that he had not said the right thing. Not completely wrong - if he'd been completely wrong, he was sure there would be either shouting or crying, or perhaps even both. No, James had said enough to stop Circe from getting mad at him, but not enough to make her happy. It had not pushed him to run after her, though, no James understood when someone needed space.

Circe had needed it, and he'd made sure to have things in order when she came back.

The rest of the holiday had been of little consequence, really. And so had the months that had followed. There were good days, there were days where the idea of children loomed heavily over their relationship, and there were days where the idea had been forgotten entirely. They kept moving forward, but neither one of them had dared to broach the subject. Circe had concocted her potion each month to avoid the problem of children, but he'd secretly taken another himself to make sure that babies did not come in to being. It wasn't that he didn't trust Circe, because he did, he just didn't trust her hormones, and the pull of having children.

But, James had come around - grown up considerably after the mistake of taking a potion to avoid pregnancy without telling Circe - and decided that... well, they could start trying.

After all, what was the likelihood Circe would fall pregnant within the first couple of months? It took time.

December had come in to play, which meant school was finished for another term. The calendar - denoted with a small symbol both James and Circe knew to be the reminder to take the potion - showed that today was the day Circe had to take the small vial to her lips and deny them the possibility of children.

The vial sat in James' hands as he sat at the breakfast bar of the flat, turning it over in his fingers as he waited for Circe to finish in the bathroom. Telling her that he wanted children - so brazenly - was not something James wanted to, or even could, do. So, he'd told himself that being caught holding the vial, today, would be the best way to start the conversation with Circe. After that, well, he was sure he could push her in the right direction without being blatant in his intent.

Taking a steadying breath, James glanced over to the bathroom door, Circe would only be a few more moments. There was time to make himself busy with other things...

James shook his head, turning his eyes back to the vial, and waiting.

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The holidays were over and Circe was back home with James, ready to start working once again. After the little discussion about children, the witch had decided to drop the subject and not mention anything close to that for a while again. She wanted a child of her own, badly, and she was positive it was obvious to James, but she never dared to bring it up again. After all, there was no point in fighting and arguing about that. If she even had a chance to persuade James to have a baby, it wouldn't be by getting on his nerves.

And so the months passed, and Circe and James were back to their normal lives, where work took away most of their day and when they saw each other they were trying to help each other relax, since the tension of the day usually took a great toll on them. And that was what Circe did for the most part, without trying to talk him into a marriage or a baby. After all, there was no possibility for her to get pregnant, unless she stopped taking her potion, something that would just never happen unless James had agreed with it. He was making her potions, and he always gave it to her whenever it was marked for her to take it. She couldn't just skip it for her own gain.

Today was that day when it was time to get that Potions and keep the babies away. And that was why Circe took extra long in the bathroom. She didn't know what to do, She had dropped the subject all these months, never mentioning anything, but should she try again? She had felt James growing closer to her, and that gave her hope to just try again. But could she really?

Sighing, Circe decided that she would have to face James sooner or later, so instead of moping around in the bathroom, she gathered up the courage and opened the door, ready to face James.
Or at least, that was what she believed.

Walking inside the kitchen, Circe was met with a surprise. James was sitting there, and, surprisingly, he was holding the vial with the potion she should take in his hands. But the question was why would he do that? Yes, he made the potions, but he always left them on the counter where she could take it before their breakfast. But today was different. And Circe didn't know what to make of it. SO instead of being straightforward she decided it would be better to approach the subject differently.

"Morning, baby," she said, putting on a genuine smile as she grabbed her cup and filled it with coffee. Walking over to him, she leaned in and gave him a small peck on the lips, before she took a seat opposite him and grabbed an apple from the basket they had nearby.
Taking a bite, Circe allowed herself to swallow the small piece, before she decided to ask him about the potion.

"May I have the vial, please?"

Circe's eyes never left James', trying to find a sign of what was going on. Trying to see what James was trying to say without having to say it. Because that was what he did. That was his way.

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As Circe entered the kitchen, James forced a tight smile on to his lips. Trying, and failing, to act naturally in that moment. The fact he was holding the vial was enough to give him away, but James was trying to treat the impending conversation as something of a normal one. So that... so that it looked like he truly wanted this (which he did, despite his fear of the unknown).

"Hey, baby." James replied to her greeting, managing to put the vial down on the counter between his hands to stop his fingers from worrying over the container. The response had come on auto-pilot, James hadn't really thought about it, which suited him, because he was still eyeing the vial with contempt. Circe's lips met his only moments later, and James' lips barely managed to move before Circe was moving around the breakfast table.

He watched her, acting so normally as she collected her coffee, and then took up an apple in her hand. Everything was so easy for her... and yet here he was. In any other moment of time, James might have been angry about this, but he was too consumed with the mixture of feeling that came with the vial in front of him. And the life changing decision he was on the brink of making.

That they were about to make.

"May I have the vial, please?"

James' head shook in an instant. Though his eyes were on the vial, he knew Circe was watching him. "Well... you can, if you really want it. But..." James' words failed him in that moment, his fists balled in frustration before they relaxed once more and he tried again. "I made it for you. But, I'm not giving it to you." James continued, trying to find the courage to say the words he should be saying. "I... if you want to take the potion, that's okay with me. But, if you don't want to take it, that... will accomplish what I set out to try to tell you this morning." James finished, glancing up at Circe, finally holding her gaze.

"I don't want you to take this potion... not anymore." James finally managed. He was not outright saying he wanted children, he was not saying he wanted to try for children, either. He was merely saying that they would no longer be taking the precautions they once had. And... that he understood the consequences of these actions.

That was, in all truth, all Circe was going to get from him.

And James truly hoped it was going to be enough.

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The violent shake of his head was quiet a surprise to Circe, who was know both anxious and excited. The only reason she could think of that would make James deny her the potion, was because he had made the decision that he wanted o try having children with her. That after all these months, he was slowly starting to warm up to the idea of trying. And the witch was not sure how to handle all these at once. She was extremely happy, but this was merely a possibility. She still wasn't sure if this was what he really wanted.

"I made it for you. But, I'm not giving it to you."

"You're not.. giving it to me?"
Circe understood just fine what he meant, and just because she knew James so well, she was not going to push the matter further. James had made a decision and she was not going to question him or pretend she was dumb. That was the most you could get out of James, and Circe knew better than to push him beyond his limits. She was in no mood for losing whatever little she had managed so far.

"I... if you want to take the potion, that's okay with me. But, if you don't want to take it, that... will accomplish what I set out to try to tell you this morning."

Then his eyes met hers and Circe felt her heart stop beating. It was as if she couldn't breath. He looked so sincere at that moment. He was trying so hard to tell her this, in his own way, and she just wanted to help him relax. She didn't want him to think he had to do this. But no one could make James Balan do something he does not want. So if he had decided he wanted her to stop taking the potion, he was sure.

"I don't want you to take this potion... not anymore."

Circe was positive that this was the most she was going to get out of James, and that was why she finally allowed herself to smile just a bit. Circe sipped some of her coffee then reached out to take the vial out of his hands softly.
She got up and walked over to the sink, opening the vial and emptying its contents. She then walked over to him and cupped his face, kissing him with all the love she could manage. He was the man for her, she was sure. She had been sure since say one.

"I love you. Thank you, James."

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James had made no attempt to acknowledge Circe's question. If he'd have allowed the question in it would have ended up with him losing his trail of thought, not explaining himself in the manner he wanted to. Circe had to understand that he couldn't be distracted in that moment.

And perhaps she did because she didn't press him further.

He was glad, to be honest, he couldn't take anything making this more difficult, and the signs of the difficulty being dealt with were made clear when Circe began to smile. Unlike their holiday, it seemed James had managed to say the right thing now, appeased Circe with the fact he'd made his decision to start trying for a baby.

As Circe reached for the vial, James hands tightened on it briefly the moment before Circe's fingers wrapped around it. But they relented in that moment, releasing the control to Circe. James' eyes remained trained on the vial, watching as Circe emptied the contents in to the sink. He couldn't go back now, it was done. Circe's wish for children had become a reality and James had instigated it willingly.

And yet he still wasn't sure about the situation.

Circe's lips came to his aid, though, reassuring him as they kissed. A kiss that was different from many they had shared in the past. This was the start of something new, and James was relying on Circe to see him through this. Enveloping Circe in his arms, James brought her closer to him as she spoke. Words of love, and a grateful acceptance of his situation.

"Just... don't make me have to do this without your help." James murmured, so softly that Circe could pretend not to hear him. She knew he was scared of children, that he didn't think he could do this. He needed Circe to show him.

But James left no gap for a response to his weak request, instead drawing Circe in for another kiss. A kiss that said he was trusting her with a small part of himself. The part that didn't know enough to deal with everything that was about to come their way.

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Circe could have never believe that James would eventually open up to her that much. Enough to allow himself to give her the privilege of trying to provide him a child. Circe was growing old, and she was not planning on leaving James any time soon, and even if marriage was not something either of them had thought about, a child had happened once in the past. It was what actually brought them close. Close enough to try and fight for each other. For what was there.

"Just... don't make me have to do this without your help."

"Never. We are in this together, James. I made you a promise of showing you what you have been missing so far. Thank you for trusting me."
Circe wanted to show him how much she appreciated what he was doing for her at that moment. She was going to be by his side whatever happened. She had promised to stand by him until death, and she would fight to keep her promise to him. She wanted to show him that being scared didn't mean you were weak.

She wanted to love him.

James pulled her in for another kiss, and Circe allowed herself to melt into his arms. Kissing him back with the same passion, allowing him to trust her with whatever he felt. His fears, his needs. She wanted to be the one to love him like no woman had ever loved him before.
"I want you.." Circe murmured against his lips, her arms wrapping themselves around his neck as she pulled him closer. She needed to touch him.

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