There Is My Heart (Kamren & Clarinda)

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Clarinda continued his own explanation, and Kamren only smiled to her. They'd always worked so well together, and now, now they were making the best of this situation, trying to help Lux to understand love, even if it was not a concept easy to grasp. They would try their best, though, or else, why would they be here with her otherwise?

At Clarinda's comment of being lucky, Kamren smiled back at his wife, a small, and very brief, tender moment, that Lux couldn't see. She didn't need to, it likely wouldn't help, but Kamren had known what his wife was saying, and it was a conversation for later.

The smile on Kamren's lips was wiped away the moment Lux spoke, however, his jaw instead setting in anger, even if his face remained otherwise impassive. Had he not had his family to look after, and a million and one consequences stacked up against his actions, he'd have apparated to her biological parents and killed them before they could have uttered a word. But he couldn't do that, even if it would make him feel better, because he was not the one that mattered in this moment.

How anyone could tell a child, a child who had not asked for any of this, that they would rather have aborted the pregnancy than kept her, Kamren did not know. People like that... They did not deserve the children they had brought in to this world, when there were people, kind caring people, like Clarinda and himself, who had tried for years to have their own children, to no avail.

But it was Lux's final words that brought him back to focusing on her. He wanted to laugh, really. He wanted to congratulate her on doing something so impressive under the stress of what she'd heard. Kamren couldn't, however, tell his daughter that Blackmail was right. In any situation. And yet, telling her off now was not something he wanted to do, either.

Meeting her eyes, Kamren gave the look that she would know by now was one that meant he did not agree with her actions. "I understand that you were hurting. You wanted to hurt them in return. But, you know that Clarinda and I could never condone those actions, Lux, no matter the reason. I won't pretend that I can control your actions, not without losing your respect and trust. But, as your dad, Lux, I'm going to ask you to never, ever play upon that blackmail threat.

"They have hurt you, however, I know you're a better person than them." Kamren glanced at Clarinda, knowing she might not fully like his next words, but it was something he would probably do at the Ministry. "But, I'm not going to ask you to rescind your existing threat." He told her, giving Lux a small smile.

She had to have some triumph, otherwise she might never come through. Clarinda could berate him later, when they were alone.

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Lux's gaze never left Kamren's in the quiet room. She expected a reprimand, perhaps even discipline for doing something like that. As the daughter of someone in such a high position, everything Lux did reflected on the family - something she was always reminded of every time she had the inclination to do something outrageous. Well, to her it wasn't outrageous; it was something she did on an almost daily basis before Kamrinda adopted her. But now, she had to think twice before wielding power, before she cornered another victim and bullied them.

Then Kamren spoke. She already knew that he wouldn't approve of what she'd done and his request of her to not play upon the blackmail was reasonable. But it wasn't those things that surprised her. It was that one word he'd said. Dad. Sure, Lux knew that since they'd adopted her, they were technically her parents, but hearing the word out loud just made it...real, made it come alive instead of living in her head as a factual thing. Dad. He'd asked her as her dad. Not as the Minster for Magic, not as one of the most powerful men on earth, not as some random person who'd made the crazy decision to adopt - of all people - her. But as her dad.

She had a dad. In all the seventeen years of her existence, she'd wondered what it would be like to have a dad, one those those people who'd carry you on his shoulders when you were a child and give you a big warm hug that made you feel safe from the world. Not that Lux liked hugs or any other physical contact, but she couldn't help but watch other kids laugh and play with their dad and wonder about what that was like.

And now she had one of her own.

Of course, she had never actually called him 'dad' or Clarinda 'mum' before, instead just calling them by their first names. But that's what they were, weren't they? They acted like dads and mums would - loving, caring, disciplining.

As Kamren continued speaking, Lux listened, just waiting for the discipline that would come, ready to do a whole year's worth of chores or perhaps help the neighbour everyday, or maybe even get grounded. She didn't care. Whatever it was, it would be worth it. But then her ears registered Kamren's last sentence. Her face was blank for a while. Was he seriously letting her go? Letting her actually keep threat there? Keep that fear over Curtis and Megan's head?

She was silent for a while, letting those words sink in. Then, a small smile appeared on her lips and grew into a full blown grin. And not one of those evil I'm-going-to-bring-disaster-down-upon-you-and-make-your-sorry-ass-miserable kind of grin. It was a sincere one reaching all the way up to her eyes, and just radiating with happiness.

"Thanks," she said, then very hesitantly added, "...dad."

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Kamren had waited patiently for Lux's reaction to his words - in truth, she was a very difficult person to read. He'd never been able to fully get a grip on her and her thoughts. The word 'dad' had slipped from his lips without even thinking on it. That's what he was, wasn't it? He'd adopted Lux with Clarinda, which made them her mum and dad... Not by blood, but in everything else.

But, hearing those words, that word echoed from Lux's lips. No, not echoed, meant... willingly used. No spite, but actually meaning them, it choked Kamren. He doubted Lux would ever, ever know what she'd just said to him. She would likely never know the torment both Clarinda and he had gone through upon finding they could not have their own children.

The idea that neither of them ever hearing those terms had been one they'd shared tears over for many years. Painful tears.

But now...

Kamren swallowed, containing those emotions for later - though he doubted Clarinda would have missed them - and focused on Lux once more. "You don't need to thank me, Lux." He told her softly, leaning in to place a kiss on his daughter's forehead. "How about I go and run you a bath? You can freshen up, and then I'll fix your room up?" Kamren suggested, there was no point keeping her in this destruction for longer than necessary.

Getting up, and moving to the door, Kamren gave Clarinda a small nod, showing that he'd let her have a moment, for girl talk - in case that was needed, before moving off to do as he'd said.

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That’s all you did? Clarinda thought to herself, saying nothing outwardly and giving nothing away in her expression. But if she had a say, if she’d been there? The normally patient witch would have lost it, and only Merlin would’ve known of the things she’d done. How many years had it been since she last felt rage? She couldn’t remember. Anger, yes -- anger at a lot of things. At injustice, at losing a patient, at parents’ lack of care... But she was always professional, always calm, always kept her head.

She could feel the anger bubbling inside her, spilling out of control and forming into a... a monster. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Clarinda tried to rationalise. What would losing her temper do? How would apparting off to find the scumbags that hurt her daughter -- their blood daughter -- help? It wouldn’t. But it would make her feel better, and perhaps help Lux to feel better soon, and that was enough.

So she brought her thoughts to Kamren. Thought of his arms around her, thought of the warmth of his body at night, thought of the way his lips felt against hers in the morning, thought of his smile, his eyes -- the pride they displayed when she announced she had been promoted, the tenderness they held when he said that he loved her -- and she willed the anger to die. And, smothered out by the love for and from her husband, it wilted and retreated until she was, once again, in control.

By that time, Kamren had already dealt with whatever Lux has said, and she felt no urge to add anything else. A part of her said that leaving the blackmail wasn’t right. That they should remove it; that blackmailing anyone, good or not, wasn’t worth it.

But honestly, all Clarinda thought was There’s got to be more than idle blackmail, and so she didn’t speak. Kamren would understand, and later, when she returned to her normal self, she might have a talk with him to see if this was really the best way for Lux to handle it -- but that time wasn’t now.

Instead, as the word dad slipped -- no, intentionally came -- from Lux, Clarinda felt her heart give a lurch. It wasn’t the painful kind like when they found out they couldn’t have children, or when Lux started misbehaving. Rather, it was hopeful, and filled her with a sort of warmth that she’d never truly felt before -- it wasn’t better than what she felt around Kamren, just different, and a single thought flashed in her mind: This is why parenthood is worth it.

Kamren’s suggestion made her glance up towards him, a question in her eyes. Was he doing this because he wanted to give her a chance alone with Lux? At the nod that came, her question was answered, and she smiled at him softly to show that she understood, and blinked a thank you towards him.

A few moments after he was gone, she looked towards Lux, her hand still on the Slytherin’s head. Retracting it, she turned, so that she was opposite her. “I want to tell you something,” she started, not quite sure knowing how to go about this; telling her story wasn’t something she was used to. Still, she felt -- knew -- it was necessary, and she pushed aside any of the nerves and hurt that arose within her. “But only if you want to listen. It’s... Well, it’s my story.” She paused here, then, to let the girl know it wasn’t going to be dull or drab, added, “I was also adopted, and my parents also wanted nothing to do with me.”

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She waited, her heart thudding so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of her chest any time soon. She'd never called anyone her dad before. She almost did for Chris and Melody. But they had the audacity to die in a car crash before she could get to it. And that was ten years ago. Lux hadn't had the inclination to call anyone 'dad' or 'mum' since then. What was the point when they all ended up leaving her anyway? Her biological parents ditched her, none of her foster parents bothered about her, and the only other people who'd adopted her and actually cared for her were dead and gone.

Then came the Jennsons.

Lux hadn't felt so accepted in a long long time. Sure, she had almost the whole school terrified of her and doing her bidding but that wasn't the same as acceptance. She knew she hadn't made it easy for them, going all out to made them drop her like a hot potato. It was a routine thing she did - get placed in a foster home and do everything in her power to rid herself of them. Rinse and repeat. But Kamren and Clarinda...they made her want to stay. And though it was true that they would leave her one day, she knew they would never consciously abandon her. Allowing them to love her and allowing herself to love them - though she didn't know how to love - would hurt when they died but Clarinda said it would be worth it.

And they deserved to be given their proper family titles after all they'd done for her and everything they'd put up with. The words 'dad' and 'mum' had never crossed her lips except in disdain and contempt. For her to actually mean them felt very strange but at the same time...fitting.

When Kam - dad - did not make a big deal out of her using the term, Lux breathed more easily. She would've been uncomfortable had he gushed about it and proceeded to do cry or do something as equally dramatic. He only kissed her forehead which she accepted, a warm unfamiliar feeling growing in her chest, as she smiled and nodded at his questions.

She sat in the silence for a while, thinking through everything that had been said, and was about to stand up to clean the mess when Clarinda spoke up. Lux lifted her eyes to look at the woman. At first, she was going to dismiss her words. She didn't need to hear another sob story just to make herself feel better and was going to tell Clarinda just that when she dropped her last sentence.

Surprised - though she didn't let it show - Lux was silent for a while. She'd never guess that Clarinda had gone through the same situation. Lux had just assumed she grown up in a normal family, lived a normal life. But the kindest hearts have felt the most pain. Though the opposite was true for Lux - she would never describe herself as kind - it was rather apt for Clarinda.

Not wanting to seem too over eager, Lux merely raised an eyebrow, indicating Clarinda to continue.

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Trigger warning: abuse, drug use, human trafficking

The raised eyebrow had been enough to tell Clarinda that Lux wanted her to continue, despite not giving any verbal cues. But she did not speak just yet, trying to frame it in her mind. How would she tell a child -- a mature one who had seen some horrible, horrible things, but a child nevertheless -- some of the things that had happened to her? Would she tell the facts as they were, or would she try and hide some of the more harsh things that had been done?

Finally, fully understanding that Lux was no normal child, Clarinda decided that the best way was to tell her everything, without holding back so much as a single detail. That only left where to start, and it was with a wry mental smile that Clarinda answered her own question seconds later: the beginning.

"I was born as Tracy," she said, tone taking on that emotionless quality she perfected from her daily duties, "to two muggles, Landon and Mabel." Taking a breath, she forced back the mask of professionalism, willing the emotions to shine through. Lux deserved that, at the very least; if she could offer nothing to the young witch in that moment but realism, that would be enough. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to telling this story," she added, pausing again as she gathered her thoughts.

"Landon was the head of a gang, Mabel as his right-hand. She had run away from her abusive home as a teen and found refuge in said gang; Landon fell in love with her, at some point, and they had me. I wasn't wanted, but I was..." She paused, trying to find the right word. "Useful. Landon ran a drug smuggling operation, and he had expanded the business to include human trafficking."

Not taking her eyes off Lux, she lifted her shirt slightly and turned, showing Lux just a few of the scars on her lower back. "I was safe from customers, because I was their child, but I wasn't safe from their anger," she explained, allowing Lux to see the scars for just a few more seconds before lowering her shirt. "The only reason they kept me around was because it was easier to earn the trust of young, unsuspecting, females when they had me either in their arms or standing with them."

She didn't bother to hide a shudder. "Sometimes, they made me tell girls your age I was lost and lead them to an alley where they would be drugged and taken away to be sold. If I refused..." She motioned to her back. "Belts, sticks, metal rods, ropes, sometimes the ends of their cigarettes... Everything they could get their hands on -- and their hands if nothing was available."

Stopping just to make sure Lux was listening, and understood, Clarinda relaxed a little; the hardest part was over. "I was eight when the muggle police raided and I was brought to an orphanage. They didn't realise I was magical at that point, because I'd been abused to a point where I refused to talk or do anything. When they made me see a child psychologist, I began to display odd signs and do odd things, and by the time I was nine, at least twelve different psychologists refused to see me again after the first meeting."

"Eventually, they deemed me a lost case and I became lost in the system, not so much as given a foster family -- until a representative from the Ministry arrived to inform me of my abilities. Long story short, he and his wife ended up adopting me, and changed my name to Clarinda," she said, deciding that the details of how the adoption happened and whatnot wasn't necessary.

Her tale ended here, but she wasn't quite done. Softly, because if she were to speak any louder she was certain that her tone would waver, and she didn't need or want Lux to hear that, she said, "I haven't forgiven them, and so I don't expect you to forgive your birth parents either. What they did wasn't right. That doesn't excuse what you did -- an eye for an eye only leaves the world blind -- but I can't say I'm angry; if I had been given a chance, I would have done worse to Landon and Mabel. I still would, but that doesn't mean it's right, nor do I condone any sort of revenge on my behalf from anyone."

This last part had been said both for Lux's explicit knowledge and out of knowledge that Kamren would do things to them (if given the chance) that went far past the line of appropiate. "There's a saying -- blood is thicker than water, and people use it to mean that our blood relatives are more connected to us than those outside of it." She paused to give Lux a smile. "But that's not the true origins of the phrase. The full one is actually 'blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb' and means the relationships we choose far outweighs what we're born into."

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Lux waited, thinking that whatever Clarinda had to say was going to be unimportant and a waste of time. Yes, she was adopted and her parents also didn’t want her but what else could’ve happened? She turned out none the worse for it, happily married and disgustingly happy and kind. It couldn’t have been that bad if she turned out well. Right? How bad could it be? The most was that she was shipped from one foster home to another and discovered for herself what a kill or be killed world it was out there.

Lux herself could remember the first time the realisation dawned on her that she really truly wasn’t wanted. She’d been five and at her fourth foster home, blessed with a man who was drunk out of his mind and who never hesitated to use his belt, hand, beer bottle, or fist to shut her up when all she wanted to do was talk about her day, and a woman who was working two jobs and never around to cook or clean. She’d gone without food for nearly two days when it occurred to her that the supermarket down the road was chock full of food.

It hadn’t been difficult at all to stuff a backpack full of what she wanted to eat and walk right out of the store.

Things only got easier after that, with her doing everything she could to keep herself alive. Nothing – short of prostituting herself – was beneath her. Kids in school learned ABCs and 123. She learned and mastered pick pocketing, manipulation, stealing, and finally – as she got older – progressing to blackmail. Life was her teacher, and she, its very willing student. As such, she thought that nothing Clarinda had to say could surprise her.

How wrong she was.

As Clarinda began and continued her story, Lux listened with growing interest. She could see how much this affected the woman and Lux respected her for pulling through with it. The moment she mentioned ‘gang’, understanding dawned. Living on the streets taught her many things. She’d been part of a gang herself, not a very notorious or law-breaking one, but one that participated in the dealing of drugs. It was one of the quickest ways to earn cash and whenever she was low on money, she’d get the drugs from their supplier and sell it, keeping her share of the cash and giving the supplier back their money.

Human trafficking on the other hand though, was a different game all together and Lux couldn’t help the widening of her eyes. Sure, the rules were much the same, but the stakes were way higher and the morals… Lux was tough, had experienced some horrible things, and had an unusual obsession with death, blood, and everything evil, but she would never consciously partake in something as horrendous as human trafficking, no matter how much the evilness of it fascinated her.

That Clarinda was part of a family who ran that kind of business… Lux could hardly believe it. She seemed so…gentle, so devoid of the nightmares that would plague someone who’d been through all that. Of course, Lux never had a nightmare – there was very little that could frighten her – but she knew what invoked nightmares in normal people; she’d done that many times in the orphanage, scaring the kids so thoroughly that they refused to go to bed at night. Clarinda’s story was the stuff nightmares were made of.

At least they wanted you, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. Sure, their situations might have been similar, and Lux was certain that Clarinda understood – if not all – then a teensy tiny bit of what Lux was feeling, even if they did react in vastly different manners. Where Clarinda stopped talking, Lux retaliated at every opportunity she could inflicting as much hurt to others as she’d received.

Lux gave a nod, showing that she’d heard and understood both the story and the words that came after. ~~Kam~~ dad had said something to the same effect. They didn’t condone what she’d done but they also knew why she did it. In that, she respected them and was grateful. If they’d asked her to apologise, she’d rather die.

Lux wasn’t sure what to say for a while. What was one supposed to say to something like that? And she’d never been one for deep discussions either. Finally, she spoke up . “Good,” she said, with a small smile on her face. “Tracy doesn’t suit you,” she continued, referring to how Clarinda changed her name.

» All About Your Heart [Kamren]
» Not For the Faint of Heart (open)
» Let's Slow Things Back Down for Us (Clarinda & Kamren)
» The Adoption (Lux & Kamren)
» Home is Where the Heart Is (Kelenore)